Grief? – No one is immune!

Grief is something we are all likely to encounter and experience at some point in our
lives.
Grieving is natural and normal. It’s not an illness, although it can make you feel ill and it does not last forever. There’s no ‘right’ way to grieve and we each react in our own way as we are unique individuals and our relationships with the deceased are personal to each one of us.
There’s no time limit on grief. It varies hugely from person to person. It may depend on the type of relationship we had with the person who died, how close you were and how they died. It could also be affected by previous experiences of loss or grief.

It is possible to experience any range of emotion when we experience loss. We may feel lots of different emotions at the same time, or our feelings may change quickly. At times those emotions can be confusing. It is important to remember that there’s no right or wrong way to feel.

Feelings of grief can also happen because of other types of loss or changes in circumstances. For example:

• The end of a relationship
• The loss of a job
• Moving away to a new location
• A decline in the physical or mental health of someone you care about
• Distressing world events

People who have experienced loss have described some common feelings after a bereavement. One of these is shock and numbness. When we first hear the news of our loss we might feel like we are in shock. People can feel numb or carry on as if nothing has changed. This is because it can take a long time to process what has happened. Disorientation as though we lost your place in your world can also happen. All of these feelings are normal.

The death of someone close to us is the most devastating experience that will ever happen to us. It can be very painful. People describe it as being cut in two or losing a part of themselves. These feelings can be very frightening and upsetting and feel physically painful. Again this is normal

It’s normal to feel angry when someone dies. Death can seem cruel and unfair. This is particularly true when we feel someone has died too young or if we had plans for the future together. We may find we are angry with the person who died, angry at others, or even angry at ourselves for things that we did or didn’t do while they were alive. Angry is normal and finding ways of expressing this well can help.

Guilt is another common reaction to grief. We might feel directly or indirectly to blame for the person’s death. Or we might feel guilty if we had a difficult relationship with the person who has died. We can find ourselves saying if only statements such as, ‘if I had taken him to the doctors sooner.’ We need to try being kind to ourselves, it’s very unlikely we could have done anything to prevent the death from happening. 

Feeling depressed and sad after the death of someone close is normal. It can feel overwhelming.  It takes time and space and there are things that can help such as talking to others or speaking to your GP. Don’t struggle alone. We as a church can help as can other organisations. We will provide a list at the end of this article. People sometimes think they can hear or see the person who has died. “Seeing” the person who has died and hearing their voice can happen because our brain is trying to process the death and accept that it’s final. It’s important to know this is normal.

Physical feelings are common after bereavement. The pain of grief can be felt as a real pain. Every part of your health can be affected. It can also reduce your ability to fight off minor infections.  Normally, feelings of physical pain will ease with time. But try to get as much rest as possible and we need to listen to what our body needs. If you find pain persists for several weeks, speak with your GP. 

Our Appetite can change and we may not feel like eating in the early days after someone dies. It may feel difficult to swallow and food can taste strange. Some people find they are eating a lot more than usual or only eating foods that are comforting. This is very normal and we need to try and not to be too hard on ourselves if our diet looks different at these times We also need to try not to panic if you notice these changes. Our sleep patterns can change too when we grieve. We might be frightened to go to sleep because of bad nightmares or find it difficult to get to sleep because our mind is racing.

Grief can make us feel anxious. Sometimes this can result in feeling breathless, having heart palpitations or even a panic attack. Someone once described the feeling as like having an elephant sat on your chest. it’s a good idea to contact the doctor if this happens regularly.  

People often ask how long the grief will last. The truth is that healing comes slowly, but it does come. Nothing can replace the person who has died. But gradually most people find they are able to continue with life, and start to feel happy at times, while remembering those who have died. It can take time to understand your feelings and adjust to what has happened. But there are things you can do to help yourself cope.

It’s important to do what works for you. You might have good and bad days. So take things one step at a time – if the first step feels too hard, try to break it up into smaller steps. It might also help to try different things at different times. 

Connect with others can be helpful as they can help with the feelings of Isolation and loneliness. It is ok let others know what we need. Tell people what helps and what you find difficult. It’s ok to be clear about what we need from them. It’s also ok if this changes.

Seeking support from agencies and professionals. There is a list of bereavement support organisations for ideas about who might be able to help on this website.

It may also help to talk with others who are currently coping with a loss or have walked the journey of grief in the past. Talking with a trained professional can help us understand and cope with the thoughts and feelings we experience following a loss.

There are things we can do to help with the physical effects of grief.

If our appetite is affected then try to find a relationship with food that works. When we have no appetite try serving small, manageable portions. If cooking is too much and overwhelming, try a ready-meal or something that takes little preparation. But most importantly, remember to be kind to ourselves. It’s okay not eat as we normally would, but slowly getting back to a routine of eating at the same times can help. If this pattern persists after several weeks, it might be time to speak to a doctor.

If sleep is an issue try to slowly get back into a night-time routine. Things like taking a bath or showering before bed are great ways to help you relax into the evening. Exercise can also be really helpful to tire your body out. It doesn’t have to be vigorous exercise, walking or swimming can be gentle ways to get moving, Try not getting into bed until you feel really ready to sleep and try listening to relaxing music or sleep podcasts. Prayer can also help, especially by telling God the difficult feelings bereavement brings.

Exercise is a useful way for our body to reduce tension, and it uses up the adrenalin that it’s producing that’s making us feel anxious. It is not a good idea to start an extreme new gym class when a gentle walk is all we can manage. Talking to someone about what’s making us anxious can also really help. 

We might feel like using drugs or alcohol to cope with any difficult feelings. But in the long run they can make us feel worse.

It’s normal for certain things to trigger difficult feelings or painful memories about our loss for instance a specific food or place. Try taking note of what might affect our mood. This can help us gradually learn how to cope with triggers when they happen. Using a pen and paper,or find a free online diary can help us identify these triggers. 

As time passes, we may feel an expectation to move on from our grief, This pressure can come from families and ourselves. Moving on however may not feel like something you want or be able to do. Some people find it more helpful to think about moving forward with their grief, rather than moving on from it.

Remember that there’s no time limit on grief. There isn’t a point where we are supposed to ‘complete’ our grief and move on. Grief may always be a part of us and may be something we always struggle with at times for instance on anniversaries.

These are some ideas could help, although remember that different things may work at different times:

• Cherish memories of the person who has died. That could be finding ways to include their memory in celebrations, talk to others about them, or spend time learning more about an interest or hobby they had For example light a candle at Christmas.
• Doing things on behalf of the person that has been lost, or in honour of them. For example, getting involved with a fundraising or campaigning project in their memory.
• Express our feelings through creativity. For example, through drawing, journalling, or taking photos.
• Keep objects to remind you of the person. For example, you might want to wear an item of clothing or jewellery that belonged to them.
• Remember that it’s ok to feel happy and to find enjoyment in life. We can feel guilty about feeling happy when we’ve lost someone. But having positive emotions or good days doesn’t mean we don’t care or aren’t still grieving.
• Try new things, for example joining a club or volunteer group. Or starting a new hobby. Sometimes this can help distract us and give us something new to focus on.
• Read or listen to stories from other people who have been through similar experiences. Sometimes this can help us to feel more understood and hopeful for the future.

Remember Grief is personal to everyone but we are not alone and of we can help as church do let us know.

You can contact us in a number of ways:

Phone the vicar on 01773 712097

Phone or text the church office on 07756 555101

Email the vicar: padleykaren@gmailcom

Email the church office: allsaintschurchmarlpool@gmail.com

Use ‘Contact us’